Three years ago my mom and I discussed Christmas gift giving for each other (for the last time).  We came to the conclusion that Christmas giving becomes more stressful than it needs to be. We always want to find just the right gift that the other person will love and appreciate and many times we went to the trouble only to find out that the other person either already had it, or it wasn't really the style they would have bought for themselves.  Our frustration and stress became the beginning of something even better.

My mom, Janet, came from very humble beginnings.  A family of 7 and growing up in the 50s and 60s came with multiple challenges.  She and her siblings lived a life with many struggles. Their mother was a strict Catholic who was also schizophrenic. Her father desperately wanted to help, but was tied (limited) by legal procedures.  My mother and her sisters and brother lived separated for much of their childhood, in and out of multiple foster homes - many times being abused in homes that were meant to keep them safe from harm.

Living a life never knowing where the next meal was going to come from, wearing shoes that were too small, not having clothing that fit and many times the clothes were not appropriate for the weather conditions. Never knowing where they would put their head to sleep at night (as this changed often) and wishing to have a home full of love was the common Christmas wish - having a toy (as much as this was a common dream) was secondary.

I cannot relate to the life my mother and my aunts and uncle lived, but I can appreciate the life she gave me and I know that I shouldn't speak for my two cousins, but I do believe that when they take time to reflect - they quite possibly feel the way that I do about the life we were given even though our mothers often had to "fend for themselves" and grow up faster than any child should have to.

So now I go back to our Christmas stresses or frustrations, just a few short years ago.  Buying presents for one another became stressful.  What did the other person REALLY need or want? What would be most thoughtful but at the same time useful?  We understand that with every challenge there is always an answer that can become a gift.  We were about to find the gift in this.

In 2013 we had an idea.  My mom and I discussed the spending we would do.  We often put $100 to each person.  So $100 for my mom and $100 for my dad, and they would spend $100 for my husband and $100 for me. Some would say, let's just give cash to one another, but in my calculation, that just simply cancels it out.  We decided to do something that brings even more Christmas sprit to people (including us).  

My mom can remember what it was like to live with very little, like it was yesterday.  I do remember a few years (when my mom struggled to provide Christmas "toys" to me when I was a young child, so I could relate a little bit about only getting the necessities and I remember even having a Charlie Brown Christmas tree one year - and as a young girl, it just didn't feel like Christmas, to have a tree that was bare).  As I think back to those days, I recognize that the fact that I even had a Christmas tree at all, was more than some children ever get - even today.  

In 2013 we decided to be anonymous and give to 2 families in need at my children's school.  We talked with the administration, we asked if there were any families that would appreciate being our angels (to receive gifts).  The questions we asked were, how many children? Mother and father? Ages of each and sizes of feet and clothing.  We asked about hobbies and likes and we even asked about DREAMS.  If they could get anything for Christmas, what would it be?  Many of us would assume the wants and dreams would be MASSIVE...yet, when we live in humble times, in times of struggle, often our dreams are small in comparison to what many people expect at Christmas.  One mother always dreamed of being able to afford a pair of skates so that she could skate on public ice rinks with her daughter. She also expressed the desire to have phone cards so that she would keep in touch with her family that lived out of town. Another mother wanted to be able to feed her family at Christmas. And the kids, well - they wanted what most kids want.  A winter coat, winter boots, one special toy to call their own...and the older girl wanted a nice backpack for school, a girls magazine, some makeup and a few hygiene products.  What pre-teen doesn't want that stuff?  But I would bet that most pre-teens get a whole lot more than that stuff. Don't we all expect too much at times? This gift giving project we've begun, makes us really appreciate what we have and we realize how much we can really do without - if we became more honest with ourselves.

So off we went, we took my 3 kids (who at the time were 2, 4 & 6).  We had my 6 year old help pick the winter coat with snow pants for one girl who was also 6.  She also helped us pick the matching boots and hat and mittens.  All 3 children helped us pick a toy or special keepsake.  Since that year was quite cold and snowy before Christmas, we decided to give the school the winter clothing before Christmas (unwrapped) so that she would wear these items immediately.  We later gave the wrapped toys and other gifts in time for Christmas.  Both families were single moms raising their only children.  So we treated the moms to gifts also.  That mom who dreamed of skating with her daughter, we got her skates that were brand new, we also bought some phone cards. Last but not least we bought grocery store gift cards to contribute to their Christmas dinner shopping.

We never met these families, nor did we need to.  We knew that our $400 went a whole lot further than it ever would have if we just spent it on ourselves.  We felt the true spirit of Christmas, because giving in that way (without expectation) gave us more joy than we could ever imagine.  

We did it again in 2014, but this time we had a family member and a dear friend who were both experiencing major challenges so we decided to give to both of them to provide a small gift of hope for brighter days.

This year (our 3rd year) we picked one lady. She is a woman who has 3 children (who do not live with her), and she has multiple health challenges.  My mom and dad are in the middle of downsizing and my mom asked her what she might need (assuming that furniture might be helpful) and a few days later, this woman said - if you come across an extra winter coat and winter boots, I would appreciate that.  Now we know that everyone is a different size, so the simple fact of giving used clothing to another person may not be as simple as it sounds.  We knew that we had our Christmas Angel for this year.  She cried tears of joy and gratitude to have a pair of boots and a winter jacket that not only fit but she loved the colours and the comfort of both.  She continued on to say that no one has ever done something like this for her.  As an additional gift my mom drove her to a location that puts families on a list for gifts.  She now knows that because she is on the list, she will be given gift cards that she will be able to give to her children when she sees them this Christmas.  

So additional to giving to the food bank each year, as well as any charities throughout the year, we feel that finding our Christmas Angel each year will not only continue - we intend to increase our spending as we are able, so that we can give Christmas wishes to even more families.

This was the first year we gave to our first Christmas Angels. 2013.

"The point when we cannot go on as business as usual, is our cognitions ability to pay attention to what we are doing. When we can begin to decide of who we no longer want to be and we make a decision to become the person we want to be, this creates new levels of mind in the brain. Your brain and body can change by thought alone IF done daily. We move from living in the past (unlearning) and moving into the future (relearning, reinventing)." This quote was one Dr. Dispenza speaks about in the video link above.  

Knowing this now [after the past month on my own journey of basically putting life to a screeching halt - which to many (including me) didn't make a lot of sense], allows me to understand.  I didn't understand a month ago why I was feeling the way that I was, but I knew that even though I didn't understand, I was ready to change - and I knew that required stopping the "habits" I was doing daily, to create new ones - the how does show up.  This book (thanks for the reminder Tinya) came back into my awareness at the right time.  Learning is MY job and finding the right tools are honestly coming to me without a lot of thought, I am open and willing, therefore the right people, events, books and other resources are showing up for me.  As PK Smith says, once we know the WHAT, the HOW is not our business but will show up when we are ready to be present.  So often we know the "what" but we are not taking the time to truly listen to the gifts presenting themselves to allow us to create the "what" that we desire. Sometimes we do only what others are doing and in all honesty, what others do, may not be what we need to do to get the same result.  Trusting ourselves is important and mandatory when we go through a change that we've often just talked about wanting, but not moving forward.

Chapter 7 - The Gap (a short summary of some great parts that spoke most to me and maybe it will help you - all parts here are quoted in gray, blue and italic are my personal messages about the quote in the book)

It occurred to me that I was so busy that I had no time to actually practice what I was teaching.  

This was an unnerving moment, because I began to see that all of my happiness was created from outside of me, and that the joy I experienced when I was travelling and lecturing had nothing to do with real joy. It appeared to me that I needed everyone, everything, and everyplace outside of me in order to feel good.  This image that I was projecting to the world was dependent on external factors.

The sad truth is that if you had asked me at one of those moments, I would have probably responded: Yes, things are great.

But if you had caught me in a quiet moment, when all those other stimuli weren't bombarding me, I would have responded in a completely different manner: Something's not right. I feel unsettled. Everything feels like the same old, same old.  Something is missing.

On the day I recognized the core reason for my unhappiness, I also realized that I needed the external world to remember who I was.  My identity had become the people I talked to, the cities I visited, the things I did while I was traveling, and the experiences I needed in order to reaffirm myself as this person called Joe Dispenza. And when I wasn't around anyone who could help me recall this personality that the world might know as me, I wasn't sure who I was anymore. In fact, I saw that all of my perceived happiness was really just a reaction to stimuli in the external world that made me feel certain ways.  I then understood  that I was totally addicted to my environment, and I was dependent on external cues to reinforce my emotional addiction. What a moment for me. I had heard a million times that happiness comes from within, but it never hit me like this before.

These paragraphs above were like a window into myself. As if I was the person behind the words, the author of these pages.  Joe wrote in a way that I instantly connected with his message and I felt that I could relate 100%, yet I just hadn't been able to put it into words just yet.

THE IDENTITY GAP

Dr. Dispenza describes something called the Identity Gap by imagining you have one hand on top and one below (as if you were holding a ball in between). The top hand represents how we appear.  This includes our Identity that we project to the outer environment. Who we want others to think we are, the facade or ideal for the world.  The bottom hand represents who we really are.  This is how we feel, who we really are, how we are inside, the ideal for the self.  It is as if we are two separate entities. This was the realization I was having just about a month ago...one where I knew I couldn't keep going on the way that I was. It was time to "close the gap" and show up as who I really am! Yet in order to do that, I had to get really clear and be completely honest with myself about who I am now and if changes need to be made, who was I becoming?

He goes on to explain that in that GAP we have layers of emotion, such as, unworthiness, anger, fear, shame, self-doubt, guilt.  Sound familiar to anyone you know?  No, I didn't think so!  Here is some awareness now happening for most of us - right?

Layer by layer, we wear various emotions, which form our identity.  In order to remember who we think we are, we have to re-create the same experiences to reaffirm our personality and the corresponding emotions.  As an identity, we become attached to our external world by identifying with everyone and everything, in order to remind us of how we want to project ourselves to the world.

How we appear becomes a facade of the personality, which relies on the external world to remember who it is as a "somebody". Its identity is completely attached to the environment. The personality does everything it can to hide how it really feels or to make that feeling of emptiness go away; I own these cars, I know these people, I've been to these places, I can do these things, I've had these experiences, I work for this company, I am successful...It is who we think we are in relation to everything around us.

But that is different from who we are-how we feel-without the stimulation of our outer reality: Feelings of shame and anger about a failed marriage. Fear of death and uncertainty about the afterlife, related to the loss of a loved one or even a pet.  A sense of inadequacy due to a parent's insistence on perfectionism and achievement at all costs. A sense of stifled entitlement from having grown up in circumstances barely above poverty. A preoccupation with thoughts of not having the right body type in order to look a certain way to the world. These kinds of feelings are what we want to conceal.

This is who we truly are, the real self hiding behind the image we are projecting. We can't face exposing that self to the world, so we pretend to be someone else. The person whom we assume others will accept.

We use everything that we know in the external world to define our identity, and to distract us from how we really feel inside. And since all of these unique experiences produce myriad emotions, we notice that those emotions seem to take away any feelings that we are hiding. And it works for a while.

Dr. Dispenza goes on to share that most of us get to a point around our 30s and 40s (sometimes referred to as a midlife crisis) where some people go further into a place of stuffing the emotions and feelings down and turn to other things or addictions to feed their internal emptiness or emotional state (staying busy with work, gambling, drinking, spending excess amounts of $, technology). Pretty much anything you can imagine that changes your internal state to "feel" better, can become a way to become distracted and make the feelings go away that are inside.

Who knew, but many of us can likely relate to this - I know that it hit home for me.  Technology and spending became my addiction.  Ironically spending on myself isn't where I spend, I spend on others consistently. Give, give, give...it fills me up and so I keep spending to give more. Now I question myself about why I do it? Am I trying to fill a gap? It is my escape? Or is it just a part of me that is ok? I personally do believe that giving provides me with so much gratitude from within, yet maybe the form of giving becomes the area of concern. (giving to the point that I leave nothing left for myself or my loved ones) Which is what brings me to the day in October...something has to change.  And it starts with me.  I knew that I deserved to continue to grow based on the needs I have within me.  I was putting trust in everyone else, but no trust in myself.  I love to give to others but I got to a place of feeling used, manipulated and resentful - this wasn't anyone else's fault...I created it.  Changing my mind, unlearning what I have to re-invent myself, means to me, it is time to grow into the next phase of who I deserve to become so that I can continue to give even more, without drying out my own well.

What questions do you deserve to ask yourself right now? Are you also feeling as though you have two identities? What are you personally doing to "fill the gap" or to try to show up externally in one way to avoid being the truest version of yourself.  

​I appreciate this book and especially this chapter because, it not only helps me in my own growth journey, but it helps me to realize that even when many people appear to have it "all together", they have either already done the work on themselves to get to that place, or they are living their own life with the Gap, also.  I am not judging but I am learning to be gentle with myself and others knowing that this is common and quite possibly happens to us all.  

​My feeling is that when we continue to live this way for too long, we create inner turmoil and pain which ultimately creates a life we are ashamed of or one where we experience more suffering than happiness.  I believe that the sooner we can move beyond the place of being two different identities and connect with our TRUE self, we can become free to live a free and fulfilled life.  People can appear happy, but if they are they are showing up as one person, yet live in privacy as another, we know that not only is it possible for them to change, if they wish to, but they will most likely create a life of fulfillment, passion and purpose. (I recommend buying this book and many others as I recommend on my resources page)

​I was READY to live with more purpose, passion, fulfillment and joy...but I didn't just want to "paint the picture", I wanted to be in the picture.  Now is a great time to let your inner light shine.  If today is a day of much pain, resentment, anger, sadness etc...let this be your first day of healing.  It will not happen overnight, it will however happen as you take it one step at a time.  You and only you, have the gifts to change your inner world. As you do that, your outer world will shift for the better also.  You will no longer feel the need to put on your masks with your outer world, you will be free from the masks, free from the chains and you will help others in the process to become free also.

Trust yourself, you have so much within yourself to do everything that makes you happy!  It begins with changing your brain.

​Love Tara

Something I've learned recently is the fact that for so long I've created a life that I am "needed" by others.  I have created a reality that by being available so often (without boundaries) that I've had no respect for myself, almost as if I am not worthy of having it.  My entire life I've been someone who feels guilty if I don't plan a get together, guilty if I don't make the effort to see others I haven't seen in so long and by doing this, I've stretched myself to become overwhelmed and resentful - when I felt so busy (overbooking) or when I didn't feel I was getting the same "love" back.  So it was as if somewhere in my mind, by doing it more would somehow make me feel better. WRONG!

When I was teaching I would give my lesson plans freely to teachers, only to find a few would abuse it and put their name on it because they changed a page in the entire unit. Again, I was feeling manipulated and used.

Fast forward to a few years ago when I began to be a business owner. Did it again.  Give, give, give to a point where eventually some started to abuse my generosity.  Manipulation began to take place and I once again was feeling used.  

Even as I write this, it is still happening to me.  But today I see the TRUTH!  Today I know that it is 100% my responsibility to change this pattern, this habit, this IDENTITY.

Have you ever been someone who did someone a favour once thinking that would be the only time you would do that, only to catch yourself doing it again, and again and again?  Now - I do recognize that there is a difference between being kind and giving (your time, money, effort to someone because that is what we do as humans, we help one another) and giving to the point of becoming manipulated or used.

My post today is not an attempt to say, stop giving to others.  It is entirely the opposite - keep giving to people without expectation - yes I said that, without expectation. However if you notice the signs that your giving becomes EXPECTED by certain people or groups, may it is time to rethink who you are giving to and how you are giving. Because if your giving becomes a habit that others expect more and you now feel obligation to give your time, money or support than it might be possible that YOU have created this pattern and only YOU can change it.

In my business it is simple for me to give so much that I enable people rather than empower them.  I may do something for them (that they are responsible to learn to do for themselves-with my support if they choose) but because they give me a great story about why they can't learn right now, I have been the one to go ahead and do it for them to help out and "get it done".  This is where I've recognized the identity I've mastered...and one that I know I am responsible to change. If I keep doing for others, without teaching the skills so they can do it for themselves, I am the only one making the biggest mistake, because what I am really teaching in this situation is that "if you don't have time to learn it, I will do it for you".  YIKES, what have I created?  A sure fire way to crash and burn. No one, not one person can keep doing for others without teaching them to do it for themselves, we cannot physically keep up to this expectation - but ironically if this happens, we are responsible, we created this habit.

I'll admit that even today it is happening and I declare that this will be the LAST time.  I said it, the LAST time I will do something without teaching it.  Or will it be the last time?  Habits are hard to break, especially when they become who you are - your identity.  Yet I am smart enough to know that I've created this and I am the only one who can un-create it. The only fool is the one who fails to change the habit.

What is happening in your life because you've made it your identity?  What are you ready to break or un-learn so that you can learn how to live a more empowered and fulfilled life? Are you doing things for others and realizing that you are now becoming manipulated to do more of what you offered to do before? Is it now expected of you? Or have you somehow become addicted to the feeling you get because when you do what others may be expecting, you feel validated, worthy, and finally as if you are enough in this world - even just for that moment?

What if, just what if - today you declare to yourself that you are willing to STOP?  That you respect yourself enough to stop doing what you've always done - to please others, to feel adequate.

Something else I have recognized that I've been doing - which has become an addiction is that I can easily live in drama and I can complain about anything.  YET - what is that doing?  It is somehow telling me that to feel alive, something must be wrong.  To feel worthy, I want to feel validated in knowing that others have heard my drama and conflict.  Don't we all become guilty of playing this role at times in our life?  

Here is what Rod Hariston says in his book, Are you up for the Challenge, when talking about the role of the Victim.

Someone is always taking advantage of the Victim. Somehow, he always ends up on the short end of the stick.  He expects people to abuse him, or lie to him, or hurt him.  If he would look objectively at his life, he would realize that this happens over and over and over again.  Sometimes a Victim will think, "maybe that's just my fate; I was born to be a victim." Many times he doesn't even realize that he has a choice in what happens to him.

The Victim sees himself perpetually at the mercy of people, circumstance and situations around him. The majority of his focus is on himself and how he is affected by the outside events, and his mood is controlled by what is happening in his world at that moment.  To him, the world is a place where negative experiences are to be expected and people are not to be trusted.


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