Snap out of it already
- November 24th (as I crashed in bed before 8:00pm, I scribbled these thoughts on paper to later publish here)
- November 24th (as I crashed in bed before 8:00pm, I scribbled these thoughts on paper to later publish here)
Tonight I was a mess, a true mess...and one where I felt completely at the "end of my rope". It is as if normal parts of life are becoming too much for me to handle. Things that would normally not set me off, do faster than ever and all I have the energy to do when this happens is find a bed, fast. This isn't how I feel all the time, because I do have great moments in the day...and then anything that doesn't go as planned, sets me off in such a way that I feel I am going crazy.
Ok, I'll admit, the fact that I'm apparently in the middle of adrenal exhaustion (based on an in-depth saliva test), does give me hope - hope that I will feel better really soon. (Strange though, I wrote just earlier today about how I was getting my spark back and was starting to feel better - and then this happens and I wonder if it is an illusion or just a fact. There are days I wonder if I am experiencing multiple personality disorder - I am half joking here but in some ways I do wonder if the symptoms that happen with Adrenal Failure can mirror mental illness symptoms. My family history has its fair share of mental illness and then I wonder if there is a chance that the family members were incorrectly diagnosed back then. Honestly, I do wonder. To be blunt - this SUCKS!
My naturopath hasn't set out a plan for treatment, yet, but I've taken some steps to help myself shift into a healthier state. (such as: reduced commitments in both personal and business, taking time to rest and relax, take the pressure off myself, regular appointments with natural health care providers, reading great books that lift my energy and spirits and eliminating the activities that seem to wear me down).
The day I did see her, when she asked me how I was doing, I was in a great place and said how wonderful I was doing. With the highs, I feel amazing. But when a low moment hits, it is like another WALL shows up. She looked surprised when I told her how well I was doing...and maybe somewhere in there I was doing what I've always done - looked to positive thinking, to focus on the good things and the good moments, to push myself through.
When I hit a wall tonight - I became angry, then sad, then frustrated, then depressed and lonely. Tony Robbins explains this back and forth emotional pattern as a crazy eight. If you picture a figure 8 that is sideways (or laying down rather than standing up), the right side of the 8 are emotions/feelings such as sadness, loneliness, insignificant, not understood, depressed. The left side of the figure 8 are emotions/feelings such as anger, frustration, resentment, rage. I have been experiencing this crazy 8 regularly these days. I went to bed without saying a word (which is when I got my thoughts down on paper that I am sharing here). I had the lights out before 9:00 but I woke up at 1:25am only to remain awake until 3:30. When my youngest came into my room at 6:00 am I knew that I wasn't ready to wake up. I have NEVER had a problem sleeping before, but this past month it has been a challenge to say the least. The interesting thing about having adrenal failure, is that it seems to affect all areas of living. So yes, I wanted to know HOW TO SNAP OUT OF THIS ALREADY. I remembered hearing on a Ted Talk last month (as I shared earlier in a post), about the feeling we have to snap out of something we don't like, but when we are not well, we cannot simply snap out of it or think our way through it. He compared it to breaking your leg and taking the cast of and walking on it, as if to tell yourself "it is all in your leg, snap out of it"...like we would tell ourselves to snap out of this adrenal functioning issue, that it is all in our head. So even though I got so angry and wanted answers about how long it would take me to "snap out of this", I knew right away by doing different research, that it doesn't go away as fast as I would hope. It will take months if not years to feel optimal again. This problem didn't happen overnight, so why do we expect to fix it that fast? I guess because I am in a state now where I've let it go on too long and I am in a place of desperation...desperate to feel like I did before, even though it wasn't optimal, it was my normal.
I'll admit, I feel like a complete mess, like a failure in some way...like I failed as a mother, business woman, wife, daughter & friend. I failed to see the signs as serious enough, I continued to push through and ignore and now I am not much help to anyone. I understand that many people who know me don't understand and many would assume that I will snap out of this soon. Believe me, I even assume or expect that to happen also. The undesirable symptoms flood back in when I least expect it, almost as fast as I snap my fingers - the heart palpitations, raging mood, emotional lows and feeling of complete exhaustion returns with no warning. It is so frustrating that I can't "talk my way through it".
I can now appreciate and get a sense of how difficult it must be for people who are experiencing debilitating illnesses/diseases where the mind and body are no longer working together. I have a whole new appreciation for what people experience.
I truly embrace the great moments I have each day. Not all parts of my days are nasty. I feel equally ripped off when I feel I've hit the wall. There was an interesting analogy in the link I shared yesterday that compared adrenal exhaustion to a forest fire. It is as if the fire fighters are working around the clock to put out the fire and they only succeed at putting out 10-20% of the fire. They exhaust all resources and no longer have relief from other fire fighters. They eventually fall from exhaustion. If I imagine myself with this analogy, I am pushing myself to keep those fire fighters standing and fighting the fire, "don't give up" I tell them, "keep pushing through - you can do it, just think positive" and as I do say these words, I am losing energy a little with every breath - I can do very little to remain awake myself.
The feeling of being alone is the worst part. As I journal my way through this time in my life, I do know that I'm not alone. Many of you who are reading my pages have reached out and I thank you for sharing your thoughts or experiences with me. Some of you have thanked me for opening this truth because you have seen moments of my story mirror where you are in your own life or someone you love. Many will choose not to read my blog, nor do I expect that people do. Some who don't take the time to attempt to understand assume that I've had time now and it should be back to business as usual. I know my limitations during this time, many will not understand and I am risking losing respect from a few. This time in my life I know that my health is more important than how I am being perceived by others who have never experienced this. I thank those of you who do understand - your positive thoughts are helping me stay as strong as I can through the most difficult moments.
Unfortunately, because this isn't "physically noticeable", it can easily be mistaken for laziness or a great excuse...people may not say it to my face, but I can tell you that intuitively it has crossed a few people's minds, and that is ok...perception is for everyone to have for themselves. I love my business so much and I know myself how strange this feels. I wouldn't need an excuse like this to take time off.
Considering I haven't started a treatment plan yet, I know that things will get better when I do. For the first time in my life, "wishful thinking" may not be enough. This realization is tough to admit - especially considering that my business name is See it When you Believe it Inc. I do believe that I will get better, yet belief alone will not heal me. I will continue to seek advice from Doctors who understand Adrenal Exhaustion and I will take the recommended steps to ensure I don't find myself back here again. Long term wellness, will require long term changes.
Ok, I'll admit, the fact that I'm apparently in the middle of adrenal exhaustion (based on an in-depth saliva test), does give me hope - hope that I will feel better really soon. (Strange though, I wrote just earlier today about how I was getting my spark back and was starting to feel better - and then this happens and I wonder if it is an illusion or just a fact. There are days I wonder if I am experiencing multiple personality disorder - I am half joking here but in some ways I do wonder if the symptoms that happen with Adrenal Failure can mirror mental illness symptoms. My family history has its fair share of mental illness and then I wonder if there is a chance that the family members were incorrectly diagnosed back then. Honestly, I do wonder. To be blunt - this SUCKS!
My naturopath hasn't set out a plan for treatment, yet, but I've taken some steps to help myself shift into a healthier state. (such as: reduced commitments in both personal and business, taking time to rest and relax, take the pressure off myself, regular appointments with natural health care providers, reading great books that lift my energy and spirits and eliminating the activities that seem to wear me down).
The day I did see her, when she asked me how I was doing, I was in a great place and said how wonderful I was doing. With the highs, I feel amazing. But when a low moment hits, it is like another WALL shows up. She looked surprised when I told her how well I was doing...and maybe somewhere in there I was doing what I've always done - looked to positive thinking, to focus on the good things and the good moments, to push myself through.
When I hit a wall tonight - I became angry, then sad, then frustrated, then depressed and lonely. Tony Robbins explains this back and forth emotional pattern as a crazy eight. If you picture a figure 8 that is sideways (or laying down rather than standing up), the right side of the 8 are emotions/feelings such as sadness, loneliness, insignificant, not understood, depressed. The left side of the figure 8 are emotions/feelings such as anger, frustration, resentment, rage. I have been experiencing this crazy 8 regularly these days. I went to bed without saying a word (which is when I got my thoughts down on paper that I am sharing here). I had the lights out before 9:00 but I woke up at 1:25am only to remain awake until 3:30. When my youngest came into my room at 6:00 am I knew that I wasn't ready to wake up. I have NEVER had a problem sleeping before, but this past month it has been a challenge to say the least. The interesting thing about having adrenal failure, is that it seems to affect all areas of living. So yes, I wanted to know HOW TO SNAP OUT OF THIS ALREADY. I remembered hearing on a Ted Talk last month (as I shared earlier in a post), about the feeling we have to snap out of something we don't like, but when we are not well, we cannot simply snap out of it or think our way through it. He compared it to breaking your leg and taking the cast of and walking on it, as if to tell yourself "it is all in your leg, snap out of it"...like we would tell ourselves to snap out of this adrenal functioning issue, that it is all in our head. So even though I got so angry and wanted answers about how long it would take me to "snap out of this", I knew right away by doing different research, that it doesn't go away as fast as I would hope. It will take months if not years to feel optimal again. This problem didn't happen overnight, so why do we expect to fix it that fast? I guess because I am in a state now where I've let it go on too long and I am in a place of desperation...desperate to feel like I did before, even though it wasn't optimal, it was my normal.
I'll admit, I feel like a complete mess, like a failure in some way...like I failed as a mother, business woman, wife, daughter & friend. I failed to see the signs as serious enough, I continued to push through and ignore and now I am not much help to anyone. I understand that many people who know me don't understand and many would assume that I will snap out of this soon. Believe me, I even assume or expect that to happen also. The undesirable symptoms flood back in when I least expect it, almost as fast as I snap my fingers - the heart palpitations, raging mood, emotional lows and feeling of complete exhaustion returns with no warning. It is so frustrating that I can't "talk my way through it".
I can now appreciate and get a sense of how difficult it must be for people who are experiencing debilitating illnesses/diseases where the mind and body are no longer working together. I have a whole new appreciation for what people experience.
I truly embrace the great moments I have each day. Not all parts of my days are nasty. I feel equally ripped off when I feel I've hit the wall. There was an interesting analogy in the link I shared yesterday that compared adrenal exhaustion to a forest fire. It is as if the fire fighters are working around the clock to put out the fire and they only succeed at putting out 10-20% of the fire. They exhaust all resources and no longer have relief from other fire fighters. They eventually fall from exhaustion. If I imagine myself with this analogy, I am pushing myself to keep those fire fighters standing and fighting the fire, "don't give up" I tell them, "keep pushing through - you can do it, just think positive" and as I do say these words, I am losing energy a little with every breath - I can do very little to remain awake myself.
The feeling of being alone is the worst part. As I journal my way through this time in my life, I do know that I'm not alone. Many of you who are reading my pages have reached out and I thank you for sharing your thoughts or experiences with me. Some of you have thanked me for opening this truth because you have seen moments of my story mirror where you are in your own life or someone you love. Many will choose not to read my blog, nor do I expect that people do. Some who don't take the time to attempt to understand assume that I've had time now and it should be back to business as usual. I know my limitations during this time, many will not understand and I am risking losing respect from a few. This time in my life I know that my health is more important than how I am being perceived by others who have never experienced this. I thank those of you who do understand - your positive thoughts are helping me stay as strong as I can through the most difficult moments.
Unfortunately, because this isn't "physically noticeable", it can easily be mistaken for laziness or a great excuse...people may not say it to my face, but I can tell you that intuitively it has crossed a few people's minds, and that is ok...perception is for everyone to have for themselves. I love my business so much and I know myself how strange this feels. I wouldn't need an excuse like this to take time off.
Considering I haven't started a treatment plan yet, I know that things will get better when I do. For the first time in my life, "wishful thinking" may not be enough. This realization is tough to admit - especially considering that my business name is See it When you Believe it Inc. I do believe that I will get better, yet belief alone will not heal me. I will continue to seek advice from Doctors who understand Adrenal Exhaustion and I will take the recommended steps to ensure I don't find myself back here again. Long term wellness, will require long term changes.