Day 17: Last minute change
Nov 7/1
Nov 7/1
Well tonight, a night I've looked forward to since leaving our team party last year (December 2014). I bought the tickets for my husband on September 9th (the very day there were available to purchase online).
A few weeks ago, I wasn't sure it was the place for me to go. Feeling so off, so down, so anxious, so unsure of why I am feeling this way and often asking myself "WHO AM I?" I just wasn't sure that a team party was the place for me as I am trying to focus on my needs.
Each day up until a few short hours ago, I was still undecided. I went a few days ago and forced myself to buy a dress (I don't enjoy shopping at the best of times, so to go out to find a dress was the last priority). I made a hair appointment to get my hair styled. So as I type this, my hair looks GREAT. Something hit me around 2:30 this afternoon. I wasn't feeling motivated to attend a party where I will see so many people I truly care about, people who make me happy and people whom I haven't seen in a while. You'd think that being in this state, this decision to GO would be a simple one...for most people from the outside looking in, they'd say, "this will do you good, you'll feel great being out with people you love being with". As much as I did consider that, I also knew that being in the state that I am, is not by choice. I believe that sometimes we can change our state simply (by refocusing or doing something to "change" our state), but something I've learned through this experience so far is that I can't simply "snap" out of it when I wish to. Something I heard on a TedTalk yesterday explained that so often when we are not well (mentally) and right now I know that my challenges seem mental, but they are actually imbalances in my body making my mental state "off", we are not taken seriously. Many people who haven't experienced mental challenges (depression, anxiety etc.) assume that it is "all in the head" and that people should be able to simply shake it off. Boy do I wish that were true. And if I am honest with myself I would have to say that in the past (because I haven't experienced this sort of thing at this level before) I would have thought the same way, "why can't that person just shake it off"? But when we consider a person with a broken leg, they clearly cannot walk on it, it would be like we said to them, "oh just take the cast off and walk on your leg, it is all in your leg, shake it off". That brings some perspective now, doesn't it?
All I can say is when I made the decision to avoid attending the team party this evening, it wasn't an easy decision. But when I got really honest with myself, I knew that I was making the right decision for me. I am not ready to be around people I respect in my business, I am not ready to be "real" with teammates who see me as the leader they admire. Somehow I feel less worthy, less capable to put on the smile that I always have. It is hard, it is one of the most difficult times and I would be more uncomfortable being "fake" than I am to not attend. I do care about team, I care about myself and to preserve myself and avoid meeting some new and very important teammates, I believe that I want to be in a better place to meet them when I am not where I am currently. Others deserve more from me and tonight I just know that I can't give what people deserve. Again I go back to the idea of "we must put our own oxygen mask on first before we can help others".
Ironically when I made the decision to gift my tickets to other deserving members on our team, I called a place called Cabernet and Canvas. This is a place my husband and I went to one night a few weeks ago for a glass of wine and we enjoyed some live music. This place is a new establishment that has a bar, live music and a painting lesson. What a great combination. We asked a few weeks ago and the owner said that she has all sold out classes on weekends until Christmas. I called today (completely expecting to have a sold out night) and she said, ironically we have 2 last minute cancellations. We will be painting martini glasses (as seen above). I knew that this was a simple and very timely sign that I made a decision that was right for my healing mind and body. I haven't painted since I attempted to teach my 4th graders in art class. This was my chance to try something new and relaxing with the man I love so much, the man who doesn't quite understand what I am going through right now, the man that would do anything he could to help me if he knew how. Tonight - he is helping me by being open to a last minute change. Of course he was also looking forward to a team party as he has grown to love my business and the wonderful people in it, but he loves me and knows that if I needed to focus my energy in another direction, he was 100% respectful and supportive.
As I complete today's diary, I am blessed that although I feel a sense of regret for cancelling our team party attendance, I know that I feel a sense of freedom and relief that we are doing something together we've never done before. Allowing changes to take place without feeling forced can be a sense that we are focused on our own healing rather than doing what we feel "we should do", to somehow please others even when we are not doing well. In the past I know that I've been a people pleaser, I do things out of obligation, out of guilt and as I heal from within, I know that living life this way is completely opposite to what I've been sharing with people. My motto is to create a life where you can design everyday as you wish it to be...so by saying that, but then turning around and saying yes to things out of obligation or because I feel "I should", this is living life in a contradiction.
A few weeks ago, I wasn't sure it was the place for me to go. Feeling so off, so down, so anxious, so unsure of why I am feeling this way and often asking myself "WHO AM I?" I just wasn't sure that a team party was the place for me as I am trying to focus on my needs.
Each day up until a few short hours ago, I was still undecided. I went a few days ago and forced myself to buy a dress (I don't enjoy shopping at the best of times, so to go out to find a dress was the last priority). I made a hair appointment to get my hair styled. So as I type this, my hair looks GREAT. Something hit me around 2:30 this afternoon. I wasn't feeling motivated to attend a party where I will see so many people I truly care about, people who make me happy and people whom I haven't seen in a while. You'd think that being in this state, this decision to GO would be a simple one...for most people from the outside looking in, they'd say, "this will do you good, you'll feel great being out with people you love being with". As much as I did consider that, I also knew that being in the state that I am, is not by choice. I believe that sometimes we can change our state simply (by refocusing or doing something to "change" our state), but something I've learned through this experience so far is that I can't simply "snap" out of it when I wish to. Something I heard on a TedTalk yesterday explained that so often when we are not well (mentally) and right now I know that my challenges seem mental, but they are actually imbalances in my body making my mental state "off", we are not taken seriously. Many people who haven't experienced mental challenges (depression, anxiety etc.) assume that it is "all in the head" and that people should be able to simply shake it off. Boy do I wish that were true. And if I am honest with myself I would have to say that in the past (because I haven't experienced this sort of thing at this level before) I would have thought the same way, "why can't that person just shake it off"? But when we consider a person with a broken leg, they clearly cannot walk on it, it would be like we said to them, "oh just take the cast off and walk on your leg, it is all in your leg, shake it off". That brings some perspective now, doesn't it?
All I can say is when I made the decision to avoid attending the team party this evening, it wasn't an easy decision. But when I got really honest with myself, I knew that I was making the right decision for me. I am not ready to be around people I respect in my business, I am not ready to be "real" with teammates who see me as the leader they admire. Somehow I feel less worthy, less capable to put on the smile that I always have. It is hard, it is one of the most difficult times and I would be more uncomfortable being "fake" than I am to not attend. I do care about team, I care about myself and to preserve myself and avoid meeting some new and very important teammates, I believe that I want to be in a better place to meet them when I am not where I am currently. Others deserve more from me and tonight I just know that I can't give what people deserve. Again I go back to the idea of "we must put our own oxygen mask on first before we can help others".
Ironically when I made the decision to gift my tickets to other deserving members on our team, I called a place called Cabernet and Canvas. This is a place my husband and I went to one night a few weeks ago for a glass of wine and we enjoyed some live music. This place is a new establishment that has a bar, live music and a painting lesson. What a great combination. We asked a few weeks ago and the owner said that she has all sold out classes on weekends until Christmas. I called today (completely expecting to have a sold out night) and she said, ironically we have 2 last minute cancellations. We will be painting martini glasses (as seen above). I knew that this was a simple and very timely sign that I made a decision that was right for my healing mind and body. I haven't painted since I attempted to teach my 4th graders in art class. This was my chance to try something new and relaxing with the man I love so much, the man who doesn't quite understand what I am going through right now, the man that would do anything he could to help me if he knew how. Tonight - he is helping me by being open to a last minute change. Of course he was also looking forward to a team party as he has grown to love my business and the wonderful people in it, but he loves me and knows that if I needed to focus my energy in another direction, he was 100% respectful and supportive.
As I complete today's diary, I am blessed that although I feel a sense of regret for cancelling our team party attendance, I know that I feel a sense of freedom and relief that we are doing something together we've never done before. Allowing changes to take place without feeling forced can be a sense that we are focused on our own healing rather than doing what we feel "we should do", to somehow please others even when we are not doing well. In the past I know that I've been a people pleaser, I do things out of obligation, out of guilt and as I heal from within, I know that living life this way is completely opposite to what I've been sharing with people. My motto is to create a life where you can design everyday as you wish it to be...so by saying that, but then turning around and saying yes to things out of obligation or because I feel "I should", this is living life in a contradiction.