Day 14: A Step Back (November 4/15)
Today I am feeling sore all over my body, I am feeling sadness, I am even fearful - fearful that for some strange reason I will not know what it is like to feel myself again. I am feeling as though I would rather hide than be seen. With all the education, self-growth and understanding about living in a positive way, the knowledge that I can be optimistic and capable to control my current state - it frustrates me that today, of all days, I am in this place. A place where I feel I've lost the ability to shift my state. I am reminding myself of all that I am grateful for, and yet that is not even shifting my state. I am shallow breathing, feeling a tightness around my neck as if someone is squeezing my throat. I could curl up on my bed and sleep. I NEVER normally have trouble sleeping and the past few night have been horrible. Sleep is NOT solid and I can't seem to fall back to sleep when I wake up. I have no drive, no motivation and seems that I don't even want to be with anyone but with myself.
I look at my home and there is hardly anything in place. I have piles of laundry, dishes to put away and more dishes to clean - the mundane tasks - I really truly want to avoid. As if it would somehow be easier to throw out everything so that I no longer have to put them in "their place". CRAZY talk right? As I type this today, I am so angry. Angry with how I am feeling and angry that I can't just "SNAP" out of it. Today it is like a summer day in Ontario (in November) and I should be outside. Instead I am in my home, wearing a heavy sweater and I am cold. (after I get my thoughts down, I do intend to get outside for a few hours for a hike in the forest where I so love to be).
If you've ever felt this way, chances are you've snapped out of it quickly (with the many strategies we all know we can do to increase our state). Some of you reading this may have felt this way and it has carried on for days, weeks and maybe even years - I feel for you as I'm only a few weeks into this and I can't imagine months or years feeling so alone. Interesting that the loneliness comes from "pushing" others away. It comes from the fear to show our sadness to others who know us as happy people normally. It comes from hiding in some way, to somehow protect ourselves from being "seen".
As I said in my video yesterday, it is tough to be in a place where I feel this way as I am judging myself and ask "what kind of leader am I if I can't snap out of this like many can. What kind of leader am I to avoid social settings, to unplug and stop doing what so many people knew me to do on a daily basis." And then I remind myself that I am enough, I am going through some S#@! right now and this is only temporary. I know that I am doing what I can with what I have at the moment. That I am honouring my needs and I am not hiding but maybe in a way I am preserving my energy (since it is at an all time low right now).
Having a medical challenge can be easily overlooked. Feeling this way is NOT NORMAL, but I've kept myself so darn busy for so long that I didn't really know how I truly was feeling. I was numbing it all by staying so busy that I didn't even know what normal was for me anymore. I simply did what I assumed was expected, because even though I didn't think I was comparing myself to others - I was seeing what other moms/business women were able to do daily and somehow felt I was not reaching the same level of success/accomplishment - so something must be wrong with me, so I would work harder and not smarter.
To be completely honest with you (the reader), I know that I am not staying here. I know that I will continue to move forward and I will recognize that days like this (the day I feel I've taken a step back) is completely normal but I don't deserve to dwell here and neither do you (if you are going through something similar).
I was reminded again today that others may not understand what you are going through and to be quite honest it isn't our job to explain, they don't have to understand. The last thing I will do is feel guilted or controlled by others who don't "get it". People may be offering advice or support to help us, but they don't understand that it doesn't help when it isn't something they are going through.
I sent a text to a few friends yesterday just to give an update on where I was at. Most people thanked me for the update and said they were thinking about me, while a few questioned me about things that seemed "heartless" as if their views were "this is ridiculous, snap out of it already". I am intelligent enough to know that this is NOT what they intended to do in their messages but when we are in a space of being unwell, the last thing we ever want to feel that we have to do is justify where we are. We ARE NOT making it up and at times it may feel like we have to plead our case. You nor I need to justify anything. I know this is my responsibility to take action to get my healthy back, and I am not looking for pity, I am not even looking for a shoulder to cry on. I am just looking for people to respect where I am at, to give me the boundaries I require right now - even if they don't understand what I am going through. Some may even ask why I am doing this "blog" or diary of my journey to get my health back - why would I make something private so public? My belief is that if what I am going through can help even ONE person, this online diary is worth it. I get so much healing through writing so it is a double purpose. I continue to heal and I may just happen to help one reader seek the help they deserve too.
Who wants to admit they are struggling? NOT MANY OF US DO. We would rather pretend that everything is great! So if my story inspires just one person who is hiding behind masks to seek medical support, than I believe that my story and the time I took to journal will have been worth it. Interesting thing is, this person may be a complete stranger and it may be someone who will not come across this page for over a decade from now.
I look at my home and there is hardly anything in place. I have piles of laundry, dishes to put away and more dishes to clean - the mundane tasks - I really truly want to avoid. As if it would somehow be easier to throw out everything so that I no longer have to put them in "their place". CRAZY talk right? As I type this today, I am so angry. Angry with how I am feeling and angry that I can't just "SNAP" out of it. Today it is like a summer day in Ontario (in November) and I should be outside. Instead I am in my home, wearing a heavy sweater and I am cold. (after I get my thoughts down, I do intend to get outside for a few hours for a hike in the forest where I so love to be).
If you've ever felt this way, chances are you've snapped out of it quickly (with the many strategies we all know we can do to increase our state). Some of you reading this may have felt this way and it has carried on for days, weeks and maybe even years - I feel for you as I'm only a few weeks into this and I can't imagine months or years feeling so alone. Interesting that the loneliness comes from "pushing" others away. It comes from the fear to show our sadness to others who know us as happy people normally. It comes from hiding in some way, to somehow protect ourselves from being "seen".
As I said in my video yesterday, it is tough to be in a place where I feel this way as I am judging myself and ask "what kind of leader am I if I can't snap out of this like many can. What kind of leader am I to avoid social settings, to unplug and stop doing what so many people knew me to do on a daily basis." And then I remind myself that I am enough, I am going through some S#@! right now and this is only temporary. I know that I am doing what I can with what I have at the moment. That I am honouring my needs and I am not hiding but maybe in a way I am preserving my energy (since it is at an all time low right now).
Having a medical challenge can be easily overlooked. Feeling this way is NOT NORMAL, but I've kept myself so darn busy for so long that I didn't really know how I truly was feeling. I was numbing it all by staying so busy that I didn't even know what normal was for me anymore. I simply did what I assumed was expected, because even though I didn't think I was comparing myself to others - I was seeing what other moms/business women were able to do daily and somehow felt I was not reaching the same level of success/accomplishment - so something must be wrong with me, so I would work harder and not smarter.
To be completely honest with you (the reader), I know that I am not staying here. I know that I will continue to move forward and I will recognize that days like this (the day I feel I've taken a step back) is completely normal but I don't deserve to dwell here and neither do you (if you are going through something similar).
I was reminded again today that others may not understand what you are going through and to be quite honest it isn't our job to explain, they don't have to understand. The last thing I will do is feel guilted or controlled by others who don't "get it". People may be offering advice or support to help us, but they don't understand that it doesn't help when it isn't something they are going through.
I sent a text to a few friends yesterday just to give an update on where I was at. Most people thanked me for the update and said they were thinking about me, while a few questioned me about things that seemed "heartless" as if their views were "this is ridiculous, snap out of it already". I am intelligent enough to know that this is NOT what they intended to do in their messages but when we are in a space of being unwell, the last thing we ever want to feel that we have to do is justify where we are. We ARE NOT making it up and at times it may feel like we have to plead our case. You nor I need to justify anything. I know this is my responsibility to take action to get my healthy back, and I am not looking for pity, I am not even looking for a shoulder to cry on. I am just looking for people to respect where I am at, to give me the boundaries I require right now - even if they don't understand what I am going through. Some may even ask why I am doing this "blog" or diary of my journey to get my health back - why would I make something private so public? My belief is that if what I am going through can help even ONE person, this online diary is worth it. I get so much healing through writing so it is a double purpose. I continue to heal and I may just happen to help one reader seek the help they deserve too.
Who wants to admit they are struggling? NOT MANY OF US DO. We would rather pretend that everything is great! So if my story inspires just one person who is hiding behind masks to seek medical support, than I believe that my story and the time I took to journal will have been worth it. Interesting thing is, this person may be a complete stranger and it may be someone who will not come across this page for over a decade from now.
