Day 12: Awareness & Reflection
Today I take time to reflect. I realize that the state I was in these past few months was a survival state. Much like our animal instincts, I was in fight or flight most of the time. I somehow felt "normal" by hiding behind social media, by finding joy in writing positive things on Facebook, in being plugging in most of the time. What I recognize today is that this was quite possibly a coping mechanism for how I was feeling inside. It is NEVER easy to take the masks off. It is never easy to be vulnerable. It is also not easy to avoid reality of life because eventually it comes crashing down when you can't keep up with it anymore. Who was suffering because of my continued habits? My young kids, my husband, my friends and family, my business partners and myself. Virtually everyone was being directly or indirectly affected by my lack of being present, was affected by my constant state of "fight or flight".
Here is a truth moment for me. One that isn't easy to admit, but one that I hope will help you as you read about my journey to wellness. I'm not perfect. Wow, I've said that before, yet somewhere along the way, I would say things for others BUT beat myself up in the next breath for not being perfect. How is that going to set myself or anyone up for success?
12 days ago I took a step to get really honest with myself, to get clear on what was affecting me and I will tell you it isn't just one thing, but yet it is. It all begins with ME and the choices that I was making! It is often easier to blame others - isn't it? But I am intelligent enough to know that blame simply takes the focus off me and ultimately creates a much larger issue later on. Taking 100% responsibility for where I was, had to be the first step in the road to "recovery". The choices and actions I had been making so far, brought me to this breaking point. A point when I felt as though a wall was standing before me and I had better get things figured out or that door would remain closed for a very long time. I felt that the walls were closing in. Relationships with my loved ones were being negatively affected, I was becoming angry and resentful about leaders in my business, I was irritable and didn't know from one day to the next if I would have a good day or a really rotten day. I also found that even though I began going to bed before 9:00, I was waking at 7:30 and not feel rested. My health was taking a turn for the worst and my life was suddenly changing before my very eyes. I became so caught up in feeling that everyone around me needed me that I could put myself last and give myself the left-overs. My internal dialogue was telling me, "I am a leader after all, so don't show the side of you that is struggling, don't show the side of you who is "not together". My perception was that I was being watched, people were looking to me for support and guidance and people were modelling what I did. I had to "look" like I had it together, because that it what great leaders do. Or is it? I was a mess. So I decided it was time to take some action steps. So far these are the main 3 action steps I have taken. I have a lot of work still to do, but I know that it will all happen when I am ready to do more. I've so often gotten into the habit of going "all in" and trying to do it all at once, only to be right where I am today...burnout mode.
Here is a truth moment for me. One that isn't easy to admit, but one that I hope will help you as you read about my journey to wellness. I'm not perfect. Wow, I've said that before, yet somewhere along the way, I would say things for others BUT beat myself up in the next breath for not being perfect. How is that going to set myself or anyone up for success?
12 days ago I took a step to get really honest with myself, to get clear on what was affecting me and I will tell you it isn't just one thing, but yet it is. It all begins with ME and the choices that I was making! It is often easier to blame others - isn't it? But I am intelligent enough to know that blame simply takes the focus off me and ultimately creates a much larger issue later on. Taking 100% responsibility for where I was, had to be the first step in the road to "recovery". The choices and actions I had been making so far, brought me to this breaking point. A point when I felt as though a wall was standing before me and I had better get things figured out or that door would remain closed for a very long time. I felt that the walls were closing in. Relationships with my loved ones were being negatively affected, I was becoming angry and resentful about leaders in my business, I was irritable and didn't know from one day to the next if I would have a good day or a really rotten day. I also found that even though I began going to bed before 9:00, I was waking at 7:30 and not feel rested. My health was taking a turn for the worst and my life was suddenly changing before my very eyes. I became so caught up in feeling that everyone around me needed me that I could put myself last and give myself the left-overs. My internal dialogue was telling me, "I am a leader after all, so don't show the side of you that is struggling, don't show the side of you who is "not together". My perception was that I was being watched, people were looking to me for support and guidance and people were modelling what I did. I had to "look" like I had it together, because that it what great leaders do. Or is it? I was a mess. So I decided it was time to take some action steps. So far these are the main 3 action steps I have taken. I have a lot of work still to do, but I know that it will all happen when I am ready to do more. I've so often gotten into the habit of going "all in" and trying to do it all at once, only to be right where I am today...burnout mode.
- I called a friend who is also a respected leader in my business; whom I hadn't talked to in a long time. I told her how I was feeling and how awkward I felt being at company events, how much I was avoiding social situations, how burned out I was feeling...and within 15 minutes she recommended that I take this seriously and invest in a naturopathic doctor. I took her advice very seriously and got into a recommended ND the very next day.
- I took time to decide what was most important at this very moment. What could I eliminate for now and what did I really deserve to focus on. It became apparent very quickly that I was spending much of my time being available to others. Through the use of social media, many of the people I was spending my best hours with were strangers, people whom I was enjoying connecting with because either they were adding value to me or I was adding value to them. I soon realized that even with my attempts to place time boundaries on my "online" time, I was even more anxious when I wasn't "plugged in", and my most important relationships were suffering. So on October 21st I decided to get myself off Facebook (the social media platform that I knew that I was addicted to) and I made a conscious decision to not go back onto that specific platform until I had created healthy habits and boundaries. (at this time, November 2nd, I am still not back on Facebook). I have however been posting through Instagram to just add thoughts and moments on a much smaller scale, and that social media platform is not consuming me like Facebook was.
- I began to re-visit my commitment for personal growth. For a few months I had done less personal growth as I was taking 10-20 minutes per day to accomplish daily growth through a fantastic online program called Healthy Mind & Body. This program was/is fantastic, but what I began to do was eliminate my 30-60 minute personal growth reading habit and only do this 10-20 minutes program each day. Clearly this 10-20 minute habit was NOT meant to replace the growth journey I was already on, it was to enhance it.
- I currently have 6 books on the go...all of which have a time and a place depending on the day and the moment. The 3 most significant as I type this today are:
Each of them has an important place in my journey from where I am now to where I am going. I will share a few quotes from each book as they may also help you to see areas in your life where re-focusing and setting boundaries are absolutely mandatory for your own health and wellness and your work-life balance.
In Rising Strong, Brene Brown touches on so many areas of our personal growth, on being authentic, transparent and even vulnerable. There are times in my journey that as much as I "think" I am being "real", I am still catching myself wearing masks as a protection of some kind. Getting "real" isn't always easy...it is as if we think that by doing so we are somehow weak or not enough. And what I realize now thorough this powerful journey to a better me, that without owning where I am in all areas of my life, I will never truly get better. Avoidance serves no one. Being partly real but otherwise hiding or wearing masks, makes it a true challenge to be 100% authentic. WE cannot assume that by being authentic in a few areas of our life that we can be 100% authentic in our entire life. However I do recognize the "fine line" that comes with this. Some personal things are best left private. WE don't have to be an entirely open book to be real. The challenge comes from seeing the truth and recognizing when we are being real, when we may be wearing masks to avoid things or when it is truly just a moment in our life that is best to keep private.
"I define wholehearted living as engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging."
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Both books: The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly (two of Brene's earlier books) are about "having the courage and show up and be seen even if it means risking failure, hurt, shame, and possibly even heartbreak. Why? Because hiding out, pretending, and armouring up against vulnerability are killing us: killing our spirits, our hopes, our potential, our creativity, our ability to lead, our love, our faith, and our joy."
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Next chance I get to write, I will share some powerful examples from the other books I am reading.