This has been a common dialogue I've had in my head. I am sure I am not alone at all. I would believe that many people feel the same or have felt the same. Gosh, these thoughts likely happen even more than we realize, because so much is under the conscious level. It is CRAZY to really think about it all...to listen to it all would exhaust us and make us want to scream or cry or worse...quit.
Quitting is permanent! Always remember that. When we quit, we tell ourselves under the conscious level that we are DONE! It is over...there is no changing our mind. Quitting lasts forever!
So I'll bring you into my day of "healthy habits" that I had yesterday before I start with my imperfect plans for today.
Started off, as many of you reading this know - of me honouring my sleep and catching up after the kids went to school (for yoga, meditation practice). During meditation I knew it was a day for cellular cleansing, so I jumped into it with open arms (it has been a very long time). A friend of mine who is also on a similar path, messaged me to tell me she was also cleansing yesterday, so it felt like a "sign" that it really was a great day, knowing we were doing it together (even though we live 5 hours apart). My day was so strong. I volunteered in my son's class, I was well prepared all day with proper snacks and my cleanse drink. Fast forward to the end of the day, kids home from school. I prepare dinner quickly as we have to get out the door in less than an hour to go to gymnastics. Everyone is fed, but rushed. I held strong, but was finding my anxiety rise fast. Trying to get the kids fed and out the door is never an easy task on the best days...add halloween excitement and sorting candy (as per Jack's homework)...and try to round them up to get out the door...a bit more stressful. Add in that Cam has been away for almost 48 hours by now...and the house is a disaster, I could go on and on..but you get the gist.
We get out the door. Get to gymnastics to find that the parking lot that is already very limited, has now got 4 spaces that are newly blocked off and not available to use for gymnastics. Ok, so we were on time, now we will may not be. I sent Hannah with her little sister, to get Kate started in her class that was about to start. I sat in the van with Jack waiting ever so patiently for a car to leave so that I could park.
After a wait, I continued to feel my blood boil. I was now feeling "h-ANGRY" A term I once heard...and even though I knew I wasn't hungry, my anger and frustration that has been building up, hit a point of no return. I had nothing with me (prepared all day, but now caught without anything to help me out....for those of you who know what Ionix is, that would have been my saving grace). I was now at gymnastics for 3 hours with no saving grace.
The kids were complaining that they were hungry and that they didn't have enough to eat for dinner. Not a surprise, we are always so rushed, I told them next time they will have a "healthier" dinner by having a shake or a bar before gymnastics. Leftovers from a few nights ago, may have tasted ok, but it certainly didn't prepare them the way a shake or bar would have for sports.
Near the gym, there is a Subway...the dreaded Subway...the place that fools me into thinking I am eating a "healthy option". I told the kids I would go get them a sub to share. So off I went. AND...as I ordered, I did it...I ordered a tuna wrap topped with sooo many veggies, I was drooling. Yup, I did it...I failed my cleanse day with what would have been an early bedtime for myself (if I would have been home by that point)...only to cave in and eat. I was aware of what I was doing, and somehow I couldn't stop myself. I knew if a bed was in front of me, I would have crashed and avoided this all together. And when life happens, it becomes a reminder to me of all the reasons I am doing what I am. Trying to cope with the demands of being a parent can at times, knock us down so hard that we don't know how to pick ourselves back up. I felt that way last night...especially after I gave into the tuna wrap. AHHHHH! And as I began to feel guilty, I quickly stopped and reminded myself that I am human! I also saw this post that a beautiful soul shared...and it kept me grounded and forgiving of myself in that moment.
Pretending to be perfect - is not me. Being real and owning my mistakes, my imperfections...that helps me feel aligned and in integrity. Integrity to many would be, don't fail - no matter what. You do a cleanse day, you follow through NO MATTER WHAT. For me, integrity means - do your best and admit when you fall down. Because being human is about embracing the imperfections and moving forward - without tearing ourself down.
My cleanse day didn't end the way I planned, but I understood the lesson. I am still going to love the person I am, because like my mind will tell me, I am enough. I am perfectly imperfect. It is ok to have moments of defeat. I simply dust myself off and stand back up.
Today I will continue to be perfectly imperfect and I will love myself for where I am, no matter what.